Graffiti

2012-02-07T18:33:00.002+08:00

“Women were brought up to believe that men were the answer. They weren't. They weren't even one of the questions. ”

― Julian Barnes, A History of the World in 10½ Chapters

2012-01-28T00:12:00.002+08:00

No one likes a cynic but few realize that feeling is voicedwith utmost intensity by the cynic themselves. No one likes giving up on dreamsbe they of princes or success but life forces you to sometimes. As I look ather I realize her cynicism (how I hate the word) stems from betrayal at an age,which she doesn’t remember herself. I see her bemused at life questioning whyshe is so indifferent (or thinks herself to be so) to so many, if not allpeople around her. I see her grappling with why she doesn’t connect withfamily/friends or anyone for that matter and I wince, wince at the realityshrouded in time.

Where do you go when you have been treated like a princessonly to realize one day that you are NOT the only one as you have been led tobelieve by none other then your father, the man other men are supposed to measureup to later in life? Who do you trust when the one man who made the earth goround, the sun rise and more, the one man you believed in to the exclusion ofall else since you opened your eyes is also the one man who betrays you to theextent that you stop believing altogether.

So I look, I wince, and I watch…. For that’s all I can do.

2012-01-14T15:03:00.001+08:00

Sometimes the messenger is more important then the news,make that the messenger coming up to expectations when so many have failed Isway more noteworthy then the content of the news itself. I expected Z to standup for me if not personally then at least professionally and while ultimatelythe person who did end up doing so was both senior and in a way better able tofight my case to some extent the disappointment on a personal way does notexactly out weigh, but tamper the joy of the news.

It shall probably be goodbye Hanyu and bonjour now. How do Ifeel? And the answer is a very ‘I don’t know’ at the moment…..

2012-01-05T14:50:00.003+08:00

I know I crib about people, a lot, and even THAT is probablyan understatement but honestly is it my fault I come across crackpots, assumingthe law of majority is not faulty and I am NOT one myself. Take the recentincident for example, where I encountered a senior colleague who is a friend(not a close one but one with whom I have had coffee, whose family I know andwho has dropped in at my place not to mention whom I sms and tease a lot!) having coffee while I was with otheroffice friends (all of whom he knew too!) and he passed by with a barelymuttered hello!

On the inevitable queries from me later, he initially toldme I was with people he had no desire to interact with, then went on from thereto calling me too ‘sensitive’ to such breaches to being shy or reserved asreason for what I regarded as ‘stiff’ if not downright ‘weird’

My pointing out the rapidity with which his reasoning toexplain what I regard as an absurd situation was met with silence which makesme wonder, wonder if not greeting someone you know is limited to bosom buddiesand family. Last I knew the world was way simpler were a simple hello to peopleyou knew was a basic courtesy with no 2 whys about it. It is the totalshrugging-off-as-trivial attitude to stuff which is the MOST BASIC norm ofsocial interaction that I know which makes me question if I am the alien here orhim, more accurately them (most people in my perverse world seem to side withhim I guess!) for one of us isdefinitely from some other planet if not galaxy!

2012-01-03T01:15:00.001+08:00

I understand people have problems, problems they areill-equipped to deal with at times, problems which surmount their forbearancemaking them ill-tempered and mean. I empathise with such people, I wish them the best but what I cannot andshall not condone is them taking out their bitchiness and meanness on all andsundry especially when the latter includes me. I do not condone your shrieks,your incessant queries about why I am sitting in a particular room youerroneously regard as yours or with people you believe you have a claim on and whileI hope you recover from whatever it is that is turning you into the bitch youhave become I simply can not let that be justification enough for the way youbehave, rather misbehave!!!! Hell with the witches and may the broomstick crashsooner then later!

2011-12-16T16:56:00.002+08:00

Iconsider it the highest form of insult to self and others to associate and socializewith those I hold in contempt behind their backs which is precisely why I don’tunderstand the reason so many do so.

2011-12-11T00:40:00.001+08:00

Cough makes me cranky, it also makesme depressed, which would be ok, but it doesn’t stop here. The problem ariseswhen it kicks me into a self-pitying mode where nothing shall do but acts,which defy all criteria of sanity even by my standards. Acts, which shallensure I fall flat on my face, acts whereby I don’t just jump into a hole butactually shovel dirt 6 feet deep over me! I need to recover from it and fast!

2011-12-04T01:45:00.001+08:00

Its amazing how little we or I, at least, know ourselves. I havejust discovered that I can like the unlikeliest things, or people. I need toget committed…. To the mad house … at the earliest!

2011-11-30T13:00:00.001+08:00

We are a nation of extremes. We swing between the highs and the lows of everything fromsocial justic or otherwise to condemnation or approval. Take the workplace (Iseem obsessed with it nowadays!) for example. We have a few special workers (people who are visually orotherwise impaired) and you see either looks of pity and discomfort as othersscurry out of the way as if its contagious or the other extreme where theyshall be raved about and their COMPETENCE praised to the sky and beyond!

At the risk of censure while I do empathise with them,honestly I don’t get how being handicapped automatically confers ‘brilliance’on anyone. Yes, you played against the odds and won which is why you are in theposition you are at and I salute you for that but having reached it while I amall for the workplace making adjustments for your special needs , once thosehave been catered to, I don’t seewhy the higher ups must automatically start composing eulogies on your behalfwhere your actual competence goes.

Undeserved praise does not appreciate, it insults for yougauge the worth of something without even trying it. It comes across as shallowand it insults no one more then the object of said praise. Salute the specialall you want for they deserve it but once they have competed and worked toprove themselves please don’t let all that hard work go down the drain byconsistently trying to make them ‘special’ when all they probably want is betreated and judged like everyone else!

2011-11-30T03:27:00.001+08:00

I don’t know how and I don’t know why but somehow over timewe seem to have mutated beyond recognition into these strange clones whohave nothing to talk about except office, promotions and postings. Its likethere is nothing else in life exceptoffice and the spider webbish convulated maneuvering and manipulations that goalong with it. Like I said I don’t know how and I don’t know when but I do knowthat I so don’t want life to be JUST this!

2011-11-25T14:13:00.001+08:00

I was all set to go for late coffee with a friend. Simple,one would suppose but not when you think about who or what we are talkingabout! So the said friend is a senior colleague and works in a prominentposition which makes everything he does NEWS (in bold, caps and italics!) andsince it involves coffee between….gasp…people from the opposite genders ofcourse its scandalous! Add to it the fact that said friend hedged and hackled(or was it my imagination being forced into overdrive as a reaction to thereaction I got from people?) preferring to sms me to come down rather then comeup and invite me in front of other people and the whole thing went down theproverbial drain, a gutter drain at that!

Small incident but it got me thinking….. no matter howstrong we profess to be, no matter how much we may choose to look down ourconsiderable noses at loser land in the end it DOES manage to distort andcontort one. O it happens slowly and gradually but like an evil cancer it digsits roots deeper with each passing second pervading everything you oncebelieved in and stood for till it metamorphoses you into something horrendouslyunrecognizable and it happens despite or maybe inspite of your best intentionsto the contrary.

I have no idea what said friends intentions were but I doknow that in the normal world I wouldn’t have given the ‘him inviting me infront of everyone or through an sms’ the slightest importance. I so definitely wouldn’thave made it an issue. I wouldn’t have spent an hour debating with myselfwhether it was ‘wise’ or not but HERE I DID and THAT is something which isfodder albeit unpalatable one for thought! Happy weekend everyone!

2011-11-25T03:00:00.001+08:00

Its a perverse world when going for coffee with a friend entails a debate by others involving lines, boundaries and what not. It's a sick world when said friend stands on protocol about who asks who and who when its actually time to go. its a sad world when I have to undergo both!

2011-11-22T18:21:00.001+08:00

I am often confused when people tell me the lines betweenright and wrong, the personal, everyday version are often blurred if notdownright indistinct. Take my present predicament for example, a colleaguewhose wife I am casual friends with has been offering a coffee/treat since thepast couple of days. Simple you might think, but the spanner in the works issaid the subtle undercurrents not to mention the offer is always late night. Addthe workplace twisted dynamics and the fact that he is senior to me and workingwith the big B, someone who others are dying to interact with in the hope ofgetting the big B’s ear not to mention we have never hung out like this in theroughtly two years I have known him and I have a suspicion if not downrightsurety that it would be a disaster-in-making were I to accept …. And yet I delightin the banter of the treat demand and retreat …so to go or not is the questionfor the day!

2011-10-31T20:01:00.002+08:00

Walking in the dark, musty corridors today I was struck bythe realization that what was strange has become familiar, the weirdtransformed to everyday routine and somewhere down time lane has blossomed afeeling of familiarity and belonging that cropped up unnoticed. The passage oftime is slow yet steady in a rhythm so innocuous that you don’t realize howmuch of it has passed. What jolts however is how I doubt the hospital corridorswould be the opposite now. I always thought that that was where I belonged buttoday made me realize how over time the tables have turned. What it bodes forthe future is something I cant tell, neither can I state what this meansconsidering how adamantly consistent I have been about returning. Time changes,people change, and the change comes stealthily with none the wiser…..

2011-10-11T19:41:00.001+08:00

In order to be promoted most places have some sort ofperformance evaluation reports (PER) which are filled by the applicant,commented on by the reporting officer, under whom you worked directly andsigned by the counter signing officer who presided over both. The role of the counter-signingofficer is envisaged to be that of a supervisor, a sort of checker to avoidsubjectivity and personal clashes or otherwise affecting the PER. Unfortunately,if you are Murphy’s favorite the countersigning turns out to be a pain in theass, a mean individual with values the size of a neutrino who believes inequating the score for whatever obstacles, perceived or otherwise, life hasthrown his way by taking it out on others. This is the precisely the reason whyafter a fruitless week I see a friend on the verge of homicide/suicidetearing-hair-smoking-nostrils-run-amok trying to pin down the blasted counter sohe can do what is a responsibility he is paid for but is starting to feel likea privilege he is being magnanimous enough to bestow!

In a system where if a man’s mettle was judged by how theytreated those over whom they have power this is a world full of pygmies if notless…a place where the whole system is held hostage to the few impudent enoughto be blatantly rude and vile while the silent majority does what it excels at….stayingsilent and accommodating we are in for a far worse time then what we face now! Havea happy week!

2011-10-02T22:22:00.001+08:00

I wonder how advisable it is to get posted someplace where you are not exactly best buddies with a senior, a senior moreover who cannot or shall not keep his personal tiffs seperate from work. The opportunity is great professionally but is it actually worth the daily trouble I wonder.....?

2011-09-29T15:34:00.003+08:00

I have whined and cribbed, groaned and moaned and generallysurpassed my own expectations of fussiness and yet today I find myselfhonorably pissed again at how what in the good ole days was perceived as basiccourtesy is now totally consigned to oblivion as if it never was.

Last I checked your home/ roomwas your castle, inviolable, non-tresspassable unless so stated so imagine myshock at having the hostel caretaker blithely mention just as an after thoughtthat he was on his way to show MY room to the person shifting there while Imoved to another. Apparently it is ok to have all toms, dicks, and harries havea blast in my room while I am away and there is NOTHING inconceivably wrongwith invasion of privacy, if they even understand the word as I mean it!

I lost my temper something I usuallykeep on a tight leash but in the aftermath I am struck anew by how the staffregarded it as ordinary, and how the so called ‘officer’ had no qualms ofmaking this demand but took it as a matter of right. People talk aboutinternational relations, communities and countries but I am freaked aboutindividuals. Too often we forget that the bigger picture is made up of small,individual units at the end of the day. Bring up the individual to respect somecode of conduct, lay down some rules for interaction, and you shall have somehonor even if its among thieves….unfortunately like so much else this is fastenroute to extinction!

2011-09-26T21:52:00.002+08:00

In every profession people do rub each other the wrong way, theonly thing which differs is the ratio ofpersonal whims to objectivity. On a crappy day the cherry on the top is Agiving you a lecture about B & C, both of whom are senior to you with avery bewildered you wondering what you are supposed to do in the face of thisdiatribe. Somedays you are just not meant to get out of bed!

2011-09-25T03:23:00.000+08:00

I understand the comfort and sense of completion a couplegives each other. I also understand how you rely on each other and are probablythe biggest constant in life and I appreciate the warm, fuzzy feeling you allprobably get. However, what I don’t understand is the hype when the husbandgoes somewhere for a vacation (I doubt the poor man is allowed to have one) ,work (god forbid it be allowed to interfere with you being together!) or recreation( anything other then you is blasphemous!). I am getting very tired of conversations obsessing about how lonely youare without him , about how you are being driven insane because he isn’t thereand the cherry on the top is now thanks to the new cursed facebook I cant evenescape there. My wall is inundated with a virtual tsunami of statuses frommarried friends whose spouses have gone for a full ‘TWO DAYS’!

For freaks sake women do they actually miss you so much asyou claim to! I use the word claim because I refuse to believe that you are asincapacitated and as dependant on them as you claim to be. ‘miss hubby’punctuated with not so cute nicks is something which to me appears to be alavogue, something you all do because yourfriends are doing it, a classic, meaningless example of peer pressure which atthis age is shameful! Seriously if you can exist without your parents, peoplewhom you have been with since birth then trust me you can survive without yourother half and I can so totally survive without hearing about it! Thank you!

A very disgruntled me signing off!

2011-09-24T03:57:00.002+08:00

People talk about love, we all do, we all wish for it, yearn for it, dream about the happily ever after till life teaches us that like all other relationships love too, is about give & take.... disturb the balance, shatter the expectations one time too many and resentment, bittnerness and the ultimate ditch and take a hike route follows.... and yet most of us still retain the hope deep down of a special someone with whom fights and arguements are not to be feared for they understand that fights are meant to be made up, arguements can bring people closer.... you hope for someone who shall always be there no matter what, you carry the dream of the happily ever after for everything else is an intermission.... and THAT continued hope burried beneath the superficial cynicism life deposits on the surface is the worst thing you can do to yourself for then you dont quit the uphill battle. you dont give up everytime you fall flat on your face but like a tottering drunk, glutton for punishment get up for the next, inevitable shove.

Life, at times, I wish were like an alphabetically arranged book shelf where everything fitted into its own neat compartment but then I am sure I would make a terrible librarian if that ever happened.... to the intermission, may it be short....

2011-09-23T03:36:00.003+08:00

some days are black days, black without a reason or maybe a reason you can pinpoint. they start with irritation, progress to anger and end in tears all without a freaking reason. somedays you miss a person who understand you, someone you can relate to so much that you can scream. these are the days when being an apple in a banana world has no redeeming irony, not even a single iota of it. I hate someday!

2011-09-06T03:15:00.003+08:00

When expectations collide with reality and disappointmentthe crash shakes you from inside out and yet like a glutton for punishment youstill seek it out. Its like an addict who dreads withdrawal, knows the drug isgoing to be over soon and yet craves the high even if it ends up with himhitting rock bottom with renewed vengeance. Addiction to people is way worsethen drugs, the withdrawal way more painful and yet so is the craving.

And I knew all this and more when I decided to succumb totemptation which is why I am where I am now. Just when I have decided that thisis over the other side through a gesture or word does something which makes mehope again. I am sick of the dangling candy which is waved enticingly in frontof my eyes almost within reach but somehow the ‘almost’ never translates to‘there’and so I kneel in front of divinity and beg….beg that I either be givenwhat I desire or the desire be deleted altogether from my heart.

They tell me you get a break when you have hit the lowest ofthe lows, by all measures this is it and I wait, wait for the break to come ifever. Yielding to temptations gives you a high to relieve tedium but then theinevitable low also beats all! Dear God please give me what I want or please,please ,please take away the desire!

2011-09-05T00:36:00.002+08:00

I have successfully resisted the temptation to resist temptation and just given in to what I want to do knowing full well that it shall in all probability end in disaster, a disaster which shall harm none but me ensuring that the defense I built painstakingly over ages shall crumble to nothing in a second. Sometimes we know that the actions we contemplate defy all logic, scorn at wisdom and common sense and are enough to win laurels when it comes to cretinish foolery and yet we do it anyways…. I don’t even bother looking for reasons, the way I see it, if the only person who stands to lose is me and if I am okay (you always think you are in the present and in retrospect you never are!) with my idiotic excitement-of-the-moment action then so be it.

One of the reasons I miss medicine like crazy is also because it kept me too busy, too focused and too drained to give in to my self-destructive impulses. Its always better to be the one too busy for people then the other way round and surgical floors took care of any idle time and then of course I felt duty bound to change fields. So tomorrow I cave in and dine with a phantom from the past, a ghost of the future because I want to, or maybe because it’s the one break in the dreariness that’s life nowadays. If things go according to the agreement today I can look forward to food I have no idea about ,with someone I erroneously thought I knew, for sometime where the actual waiting till the anticipated moment are bound to be more exciting then the moment itself and for a brief respite for which I shall pay in thwarted expectations and more later. I have no doubts whatsoever about my insanity, and neither should you dear reader J

2011-09-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

2011-08-30T01:09:00.000+08:00

Life has taught me that god does have our best interests at heart, that most tiems the biggest favors fate does us is not giving us what we yearn for and that in the end everything does turn out moderately well. Keeping this in mind while I accept whatever is in store for me at times I YEARN for what the heart desires even if its probably not worth the struggle, I do wish for some people who are definitely not worth my time and I do desire what is so not worth my attention J humans and I specially are perverse in that manner.

Having said that, may things turn out well and FAST! A very happy eid to everyone celebrating tomorrow. May It bring all that you desire in ways that make it worth your time and more. To a day of laughter with loved ones and more, have fun!

And just when I had written the closing line, I recall how I was always on the backfoot when foreigners would ask why we couldn’t even agree on a single eid day till someone wise pointed out that allowances for variations is just a small example of what makes islam the religion of peace and tolerance. After all if we think about it what could be more tolerant and ‘live & let live* then making allowances and giving every local witness the benefit of doubt when it comes to celebrating the biggest muslim festival. To diversity in all its forms…..

2011-08-14T00:21:00.000+08:00

Childhood was simpler when you wanted something for itself and then the world changed, it became chaotic, disorder personified with no semblance of anything remotely resembling order…… I no longer know if I want something because not having it is a convenient whipping horse, an excuse for rants and tears at the unfairness of it all or because someone else has laid claims to it or to justify a deeper, hidden need for something else. When and why did life become so complicated where the only sense things make is non-sense? And the ultimate absurdity is the basic question itself, its not like finding the answer to all this is going to make whatever I want for whatever reason will end up being handed to me on a platter with a cherry on top.

Once again Ramadan is here, the holy month where the doors of heavens are opened and blessing showered upon those who I ask, after ages things have become full circle. From anger to denial to numbness, I ask again to have I know not what….here’s to hoping each of us finds what we desire even if we don’t know what its.

2011-07-23T14:24:00.002+08:00

I get that women are possessive, more so when they transit from girlfriend to wife but taking it to newer heights of paranoia is what I so DONT get! posting questions about the identity of a female commenter who's post your husband was 'brazen' enough to like is apparently justification enough to go all hysterical! hats off to the level of trust you have in the foundation of your lurrv marriage AFTER a daughter no less!!!

I am stuck with cretins!

2011-07-21T18:40:00.001+08:00

Time is weird, I have ranted ad nauseum about how it manages to distort people so that what is reality today is more a figment of your imagination tomorrow. Add to it the gadgets and gifts of technology which immortalize moments past and you have the perfect recipe for multiple personality disorder! Going through picture albums I am reminded of how nothing is constant. So many faces lost to time, friends turned to fiends, some I became indifferent to and then others who reciprocated the favor balancing the score and I wonder, I wonder at the lack of continuity in any relation or event and the only thing I can ask in bewilderment is what the heck is the point of anything at all?

2011-07-18T14:11:00.001+08:00

A : Do you remember making this?
N: Yes :)
A: We broke up :(

Life reality check :P A should count her blessings it wasn't a tattoo :P

2011-07-17T00:49:00.001+08:00

I am sick of hearing how things shall work out and how prayers are answered If you just have faith. What about all those miserable people who lived wretched lives and never got what they wanted? Or the poor losers who did everything right with disastrous consequences. They, were human just like me, they weren’t demons or sinners and yet things just didn’t turn out well for them. Considering you have just one life not to mention how irreversible most freaking decisions are in life I seriously don’t understand how anyone can speak with such absolute faith when they say all that they do. To me it reeks of denial and delusion and that sucks even more for deep down I want it to be true. And the absolutely funny thing in all this is my unwavering belief that things SHALL (and ironically do) work out for everyone else (EXCEPT me) no matter how impossible they seem. Life never made sense, the only difference is initially the nonsense was amusing, now it’s a nothing but a pain!

2011-07-16T18:58:00.001+08:00

Government jobs everywhere are boring. In Pakistan they also take pointless pontification to new heights because they mimic pass-the-pillow more then any serious effort at getting the job done. However they can be amusing like today where I had to go to this meeting to discuss this agreement where a lot of departments were involved. True to norm I was the junior most not to mention the only female present, which basically translates to shout-and-we-may-hear-you and thump-and-we-may-actually-notice-you-represent-a-department. For once however justice was done when after seeing them argue and debate over trivialities I dropped the bombshell that the version of the agreement forming the nexus of their shortsighted universe was an old one and things had already moved on without them having the slightest clue. How this happened and more importantly why this happened is anyone’s guess, all I know is that it was FUN to see their expressions as the truth dawned not to mention the evil delight in my i-told-you-so :P

2011-07-14T17:36:00.001+08:00

Institutional weakening, blurred lines of responsibility and the resulting chaos is brought home with stark oxymoronic clarity when you realize how you spend more time trying to draft a response (to even the most inanely mundane request) in terms where you say nothing and yet everything, commit neither ways and yet response, in short leave a mountain high window for scampering out then you do to the pondering the actual ramifications of the said request. On a personal level it is a huge leap down from medicine where clarity was valued above all and I actually decided and acted in ways that made a difference. On a communal level the leap is HUMUNGOUS when you think of the future, if we have one…..

2011-07-14T01:05:00.000+08:00

Its moments like these, the hateful ones involving your parents and sickness that I absolutely YEARN for prince charming/soul mate with an intensity that is agonizing. Its not the romance that you crave then but a deeper connection, a trust that someone is there for you to lean on or better still unload your burdens to that you desire among all others. When we are young parents are the caregivers the people you unburden yourself to but as you grow older ( I hate that!) the role is sometimes reversed and while mine are alhumdulillah in the best of health yet there are times when illness strikes and KABOOM all your independence and strength takes a hike through the nearest window taking your very superficial veneer of maturity with it!

Its all also times like these where I regret leaving medicine so that I am left with knowledge to freak out and nowhere enough to know with certainty what to do next! And its moments like these where all the ‘what if’ and all the ‘should-have-been-but-were-not’ scenarios come back with a vengeance opening wounds barely scabbed over to bleed anew. Its moments like these where I regret not saying yes to those I refused because I didn’t reciprocate because to be brutally honest right now anyone in ‘that’ role would do or so I think at this moment.

At moments like this I miss the people who are no longer part of my world, I miss those time has taken away or those I forced myself to walk away from because things were just not meant to be . I miss so much I wish I could go missing …….

2011-07-11T14:12:00.001+08:00

A unexpectedly messages B and C takes it as a sign of A’s interest in her. The heart is a child just waiting for anything to mould it to reflect what it desires most. Kindling can mimic fire, a dust mote becomes a shooting star and rainbows depict the proverbial pot of gold, all when you want to desperately believe something to be real, when in all probability it’s not. Dill to baccha hai ji…..

2011-07-10T00:47:00.000+08:00

You know it’s a weird world when the 1^st thing on your table is a request from Mr. A who wants to fulfill his deceased father’s wish of burial near some holy places in Iraq. Admiration worthy filial devotion you say, but consider the current security situation there which presents a wee bit of logisitical difficulty not to mention the trivial fact that said father has been deceased since the last ELEVEN years!!!!!! So filial devotion/insanity I ask? The jury is still out where I go ….

2011-07-06T19:10:00.001+08:00

I had heard about people perverse enough to refuse something just because they had some power to do so! I had been fortunate enough to NOT encounter them….till now! I can understand how personal gain or animosity could motivate someone to withhold what someone else desires but to do so without any reason except you can is just plain SICK!!!!!!

2011-07-03T15:09:00.000+08:00

I am the first person to admit that understanding people is something I am so totally NOT good at but seriously public displays of affections and every Facebook status and real life sentence that leaves your mouth focusing exclusively around ‘hubby’ and how much he loves you and the extent he goes to, to show his love is seriously not something I am very interested in. I get it that your lifelong dream of getting married has borne fruit and trust me I am very happy for you BUT I will shriek with joy and dance and hug you the first time, I may even listen to it the second but day in day out the novelty wears off faster then the coating on artificial jewelry! And no, this in no way implies that I am jealous of your prince charming or your new found happiness. It just means that I am not a huge fan of the person you have turned out into for you no longer seem an individual but just an extension of him and while that may suit you both to a T and I hope it does, its jarring to others.

What is funny and bemusing at the same time is when I see two friends, very good friends publicly make snide comments about how each’s hubby is better then the other. When A puts up a status praising her man for something B would feel duty bound to point out how that was just his duty and what her prince has done is what is special. Like SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!

2011-07-02T01:47:00.000+08:00

I wasn’t exactly acing life 101 without the added complexity of asking myself, at what seems every step, about why I want whatever I want, not that I have the slightest inkling. However, supposing I knew what I wanted how the heck are you ever sure you want it because you desire it or because you have unconsciously mimic societal pressure? As if that was not enough, how do you know when you have tried enough and finally should leave it to powers higher then yourself or throw in the towel? Greys were all fine and good BUT what the heck happened to the black & white?

2011-06-19T22:07:00.001+08:00

In physics they taught us mass/energy cannot be created or destroyed, only converted from one form to another. Much later, today I understand same is truer for memories. You think you have dealt with them, banished them to oblivion but that’s not true. Grief and loss have a propensity of cropping out of nowhere reminding you with silent insistence of what you thought had been forgotten or resolved. Memories stay with us no matter how much time has passed as does loss….

2011-06-19T02:18:00.001+08:00

Theres is many a slip between the cup and the lip, something we hear so frequently most times it doesn’t even warrant a blink and yet at times it comes farcically true. Take N, a true manipulator/kiss-ass/sycophant and what not who groveled and raved, bowed and scraped and to be honest toiled like a slave for eternity to get the job he wanted. So here we have bags all packed accompanied by fake congratulations from green with envy colleagues and faker modest smirks as answers and now comes the climax….. a week before the flight to the land of opportunities comes the big bombshell which makes the apocalypse look like a boring soap! The people at the other end refuse to accept the appointment so here we are bags packed and nowhere or at least not the place we dreamed of every moment to go.

Its absurd, its funny, its satisfying and most of all it’s thought provoking….. we scheme and plan, we maneuver and manipulate to the exclusion of all else, we configure and calculate taking into account all variables and yet we conveniently forget very deliberately, to factor in the biggest variable….God/Fate/Divinity….. and that’s when we leave ourselves very open to a kick in the butt.

The good thing is reminders like these serve as a warning for those of us who haven’t had the boot planted in our backs yet to sit back and think… in the cut throat world we occupy today sifarish/kiss ass at times is tempting and yet in the end you get what is destined, nothing less, nothing more. Having said that the kick if I am honest to admit is very satisfying, after all if I cant have it, why should you :P

2011-06-07T21:44:00.000+08:00

Life is weird things literally are thrown in your lap and you refuse and as soon as you refuse you realize the blunder you have made, an irreversible one to boot and no matter how much you rant and rave, cry or crib, whine or whimper, it just doesn’t revert. Take jobs, no take jobs where who you know is more important then what you know, how you kiss ass more significant then what results you get and its no surprise where you end up has nothing to do with merit or any such crap. It is precisely this that drives people to question their decision of refusing a place on health grounds. If you are puffing on an inhaler half the time, the other half being spend popping pills, one would assume the refusal to spend a good 3-4 years in such a location would spell disaster for your employer and hell for the employee. Most places, the answer would be a resounding yes, here when you refuse it based on above said logic and then enter the ‘who-you-know-matters-more-then-what-you-do’ loop is the time you call yourself a trillion names, none pretty, question your sanity and go down on your knees to stamp and stomp …to no avail. And I left medicine for THIS! Life is black and bleak, something I have repeated ad nauseum and yet no matter how much I vow to look at the bright side, I just cant!

2011-04-20T01:17:00.002+08:00

Few things are as abhorrent as being forced to smile and congratulate someone who gets something you desperately wanted and didn't get! other then feeling intensely hypocritical the guilt trip in retrospect at the mean pettiness rampant in your character is sickening, but not as sickening as the sense of longing and loss at what you didn't get! add the fact that the target was professional and you are, or deem yourself to be far more competent then the winner and the seething cauldron bubbles and smoulders more then the one the witches danced around.

I am sick of hearing how all good things come to those who wait, waiting does nothing but age thing, said aging turning grapes to vinegar rather then wine!

I am sick of listening to pearls of wisdom about God having a better plan in store if I just had the patience for it. Maybe He does, maybe He doesnt, all I know is He didnt see fit to bestow the virtue of patience on me! compulsive patience can give you a puckered mouth and gastric ulcers and maybe diabetis but the fruit is far from sight!

And last but not the least the whole thing reaches herculean proportions of a tragic farce when deep down is the niggling doubt that what I want, I want precisely because someone else got it and not for its own worth. What sort of twisted, creepy, psycho have I mutated to I ask .....

2011-04-12T22:58:00.002+08:00

The ends apparently seem to justify the means no matter how grotesquely farcical they make all modes and laws of ethics! hats off homosapiens!

2011-02-17T01:54:00.000+08:00

People never cease to amaze and bemuse. Take today for instance when I went to volunteer for a sick child. They asked us to fill out forms and one of the information required needed contact persons. I had already filled the form when X popped up and asked if my contacts were always available on the phone. I said yes somewhat hesitatingly ( I mean no one is available 24/7 are they?) hearing the slight hesitation in my voice X actually went and before I knew it had me filling out another form listing X as the referee. Made no sense till I understood that charity and philanthropy including good deeds is all about ensuring the other side knows who they owe, after all you may need a favor anyday. Cynical/paranoid, I wish…..

2011-02-15T17:18:00.000+08:00

Documents issued by a foreign government need to be verified by the Pakistan embassies/consulates in that country before they can be attested by us. Reasonable considering our office just verifies the signatures of the authorized person and not the contents. Unfortunately the hysterical lady who barged into my office way past the normal document acceptance time refuses to see things this way. She had a marriage certificate issued by the dutch government and spent a tediously long 30 minutes dragging her husband (mere mian se baat kerlain - this statement makes me want to pull out their hair and scream as to why the husband didn’t deign to submit the documents in the first place since the wife apparently is a mindless cretin who can only regurgitate the above mentioned sentence ad nauseum!) in to explain things to me followed by a monologue in which she eulogized the Dutch, bashed Pakistan and summarized by uttering in shocked disbelief how at how we could even think of suspecting the Dutch or her for that matter. She finally graced us by flouncing out shrieking that living in Pakistan was worse than death. So much for patriotism, logic or even heroinish pan :P

2011-02-14T03:00:00.003+08:00

As if the lurv madness tomorrow isn't enough, I find newspost from a friend's friend (who was a very dear friend once and now isn't!) and feel compelled to lookover his page, said action resulting in nothing but a steep plummeting of the mood from a position already pretty far below. increased connectivity just means more opportunities for murphy to make me miserable ! *Blech*

2011-02-13T17:54:00.000+08:00

Case A

My friend asked what I thought about k, a guy I know slightly. My opinion was neutral and admittedly superficial, couldn’t be anything else considering I barely know k. inquiring into the motive behind my opinion I was stunned to find she was eyeing him as a potential match…for ME! What added fuel to the already raging fire was the mastermind behind the whole plan, S! s is this girl I have the misfortune to be slightly aquainted with. Her husband A and I were friends, were as in the past where I am concerned. I ended the friendship because of many reasons chief being S’s insecurity and unreasonable suspicions about him being non platonically interested in me. He may have been more interested or not, I don’t know, don’t care but I definitely didn’t reciprocate the feelings and since I had no desire to get dragged into a messy threesome where the wife was too insecure (despite it being a lurv match!) and the guy too nice/meek to balance friendship and spouse I ended it or so I thought only to know S has yet to conquer her devils. Apparently she wont rest easy till she has me married off!

Lesson: people will never leave you alone or let you be if they feel threatened even if you quit and end all interaction. Your simple existence is apparently license enough for them to play havoc with your life. What sucks was the said friend dumping her common sense and loyalty and actually believing that S was just being nice! Were there no bad blood involved from her side I would believe that but given the past, NO!

Case B:

A is a very close friend with a husband she married for love. The husband transited to being the typical Pakistani spouse while A unfortunately still thinks of herself as friend/lover and not the Pakistani version of ‘biwi’ . the result is messy confrontations, heated one sided quarrels and more. Things I am privy to unfortunately because she is a close friend and my ear and shoulder are at her disposal. The husband exploits her emotionally trumping her resolves to actually talk out many outstanding issues which over time are just stagnating and rotting by judicious ‘I love you’ and ‘offence is stronger then defence’

Recently I advised her to stay away from N, a creepy colleague who’s favorite pastime is thinking up snide comments, backbiting, salacious innuendoes and the like. A features in the star position for some reason where his charm goes. She agreed so it was something of a shock to see N featuring on her facebook (yes facebook does play a significant role in our social lives pitiful as they might be’)

I was stupid enough to ask her the reason only to be told N had approached her husband when she kept refusing his friendship request and since hubby decreed he be added, he was

Lesson: friends or what I regard as friends are very different in this setup I find myself stuck in for sometime. My friend’s enemy cant be my friend is apparently out, mindless submission to the husband till you lose all sense of self are in!

The 2 cases I mention are just random pickups from the huge variety which govern this place I seem to be stuck in. loyalty, friendship, marriage, love, anything and everything seems to be defined beyond recognition here. Superficial courtesy hides derogatory behind-your-back remarks, friendships with the opposite gender are supposedly never platonic, wives are insecure and have confidence as strong as a willow in a breeze. I don’t fit, I will never fit, I don’t want to fit and yet fate/god in their wisdom and omnipotence see fit to block every attempt I make to get out …..

2011-02-10T16:02:00.001+08:00

I never thought they would, but the sad truth is weddings make me nostalgic, even downright depressed for the ‘what if’ even when the logical part of me screams that that was blacker then rosy had it come to be. Having said that they terrify me because father time persists in flying when I would rather have him crawl. Sometimes I feel the true measure of success of a women particularly seems to be who she married and how many kids she has managed to have to the exclusion of all else. Sigh, I so don’t feel like writing more

2011-01-26T17:04:00.001+08:00

Time to fill up the ipod and since I am totally out of the music scene, any recommendations artist/song/album?

2011-01-20T16:53:00.001+08:00

Only humans can come up with a police character certificate stating an eleven month old baby has no police record! Hats off to the people who asked for it , and more for those who issued one. Absurdity , here borders on cretinism!

2011-01-18T15:58:00.000+08:00

I have spent the last half an hour trying to explain to the belligerent jerk with a throbbing vein shouting his head off that I am empowered to attest certain stamps and signatures ONLY meaning I can’t and shant attest the contents. That also means if the obligatory stamp is absent then I can’t do anything where the document attestation goes no matter how much it might cost us in FDI ( yeah right!) or him. Democracy and explaining stuff to people is all fine in places where people are CIVILISED read have basic manners like NOT screaming and becoming abusive and educated read BASIC logic skill where they can understand 1+1=2 effectively ruling out land of the pure!!!!!!

2011-01-18T02:22:00.001+08:00

I have just realised that with the passage of time birthdays become more a signal of doom indicating advancing age then a cause for celebration. As mine approaches I am stunned anew at the irony we call life. 6 years back I chose to take sometime off from the marriage mart for reasons which were disastrous to say the least and now ages down time lane I still cant make up my mind. I have yet to find someone I can ‘fall’ for, at times I think I lack the basic genes required for it, and yet I seem incapable of leaving it to my parents. Even if I go for the latter option, decent guys seem extinct or interested in 16 year old girls….more and more I find myself leaning towards the old fashioned school of thought where girls got married as soon as possible and then continued their education if possible or raised families. Considering the limitations of the biological clock a career can wait, babies apparently cant. I wonder where prince charming or his more down-to-earth-version is!

2011-01-15T02:40:00.002+08:00

Chivalry was long dead but now it appears basic courtesy is also comatose soon to join the realm of the extinct. Our office hours are 9-12 for accepting papers which are processed and returned at 2 pm. Falling prey to the lethal disease of ‘serving the people’ we were stupid enough to come super early to office working beyond our normal speed leaving aside the coffee/tea break and even working through lunch to extend the time right till 3 pm. One would have supposed that it would have garnered some small bit of credit, a polite thank you in recognition of the improvement would have been welcome but instead what we got for our trouble was the following incident which did nothing but leave a very very bitter taste in my mouth I cringe to remember even now.

At 259 pm this bulky guy shows up at the window and hurls a question about the time for acceptance of papers. Since the staff was not in the room I told him our time adding that office time should be followed strictly and THAT was all the stimulus he apparently needed to unleash his very vocal volley of epitaphs interspersed with some pretty colorful Punjabi phrases about how he hadn’t asked for crap and how our salaries were paid from his tax. Attempts at requests to him to lower his voice and speak in a civil remotely rational manner fell on deaf ears till he made a grand exit all in his own sweet time leaving me to wonder where the golden days of beaurocracy had gone when the officers were ‘sahab’. While I don’t advocate the ‘supposed’ slavery of the earlier days I do miss the times when lines of authority were clear and people behaved with more civility. I see messy shades of nothing but grey where all lines have disappeared leaving us to sink in the caveman age where the more vocal shouter wins all.

Lesson of the day : being nice to people is fine in societies where people are educated enough to respond in kind, try humility in the land of the pure and all you will get is an earful of abuse (if you are lucky) and more action (if you are not!)

2011-01-07T20:54:00.002+08:00

people at work complain about the late hours, the pressure, at times even the futility of exerting yourself only so that others could just fuck the whole thing up, me, I think I could stand it all if I had faith in my seniors, if I knew I could rely on their guidance and support in places where I am liable to falter. That unfortunately is the difference I am coming to realise between where I was and where I am now......realization which are no good except to add to the useless regrets!

2010-12-26T17:12:00.002+08:00

Binging on old reruns of Grey's Anatomy I realise it is the team work and sense of belonging of medicine which I miss so much in my present profession. Too little, too late it seems .....

2010-12-02T22:26:00.000+08:00

Everytime my mom berates me for finding the grass greener on the other side when it comes
to professions , to be honest I do have doubts. I mean was medicine really better or do I find
it attractive in retrospect. No more, I say after today. In medicine yes you had grueling 72
hour duties and catered to the whimsical head of the department or the ward sitar but you so
definitely did NOT cater to their families. Life sucks!!!!!!

2010-11-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

half the time if not more, we want things not because we ourselves want them but because others have them. My sudden desire to change ‘single’ to otherwise, much as I don’t want to, is a reflection of exactly this. Sigh, that things had to come to this…….

2010-11-29T02:04:00.001+08:00

‘you don’t care’, a statement which is so frequently flung in people’s faces it has become a cliché and yet the emotional drama accompanying it is never diminished no matter how many times it happens. I don’t understand why we must make it an issue. The way I see it if someone doesn’t care this issuance would hardly matter and if they do then apparently however you want them to prove how important you are to them, they have no clue how to go about it if you are still saying this so even then its futile’

The flinger of the words I understand even less. If you really feel they don’t care, do you really believe your announcement no matter how hysterical is going to have any effect? And if they do, and you don’t believe them then it s even worse for trust comes from within. Its not something which is dependant on what the other person does and sometimes this statement leads to tragedies you will never forgive yourself for if they happen in attempts to prove they do care. And despite all this, the ‘you don’t care’ still follow religiously. I will always flunk people 101 no matter how long I take the course it seems

2010-11-27T21:37:00.001+08:00

It was baffling to be told consistently by a subordinate how the whole state needs to reschedule its agenda so that he could go on leave to attend a relative’s wedding. His impunity in consistently reiterating to every logic with ‘main ne to jana hai’ (I have to go) was irritating and in a way admirable considering how adamantly he stuck to his point…..and got away with it!

Lesson of the day: forget professionalism, forget rules, forget common sense, forget everything except how to throw a perfect temper tantrum and master impunity to ask for the absurdist without a blush and you shall get it! And then they have the nerve to tell me logic exists!

2010-11-21T22:48:00.001+08:00

Tantrums are cute when you are 6, they can be justified as hormonal changes when you hit puberty but they are neither when you are in your 70’s. by that age, one would expect that you would be able to lie on the bed you made yourself, one may point but unfortunately for you and more so for others around you, that apparently is too damned much to ask for!

2010-11-18T00:12:00.001+08:00

Yesterday while waiting in line for gas I saw this young boy, barely 13 wearing clean but ragged clothes selling boiled eggs on one hand and a chubby 5 year old eating candies in the car beside mine. And I wonder, I wonder how fate plays the leading role in our lives from birth to death. What sins is the former paying for and what virtues does the latter have for being born in the lap of luxury. Leaving them aside what vice/virtue do any of us have which warrant or justify our good luck or otherwise? And to think we claim to be ‘masters of our fate’…

2010-11-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

Technology is wonderful and completely pervasive specially where cell phones go. Everywhere people are hunched over their mobiles posting to social site or walking with a cell phone jammed to their ears. Even the older generation has the landline firmly glued to its ear what with all the advertisements about low call rates. Ever wondered though what the downside of all this is ? we are so busy keeping in touch with people who are on the other side of the line that we consign to extinction those physically there.

On a tangent right now a jaunt in a space capsule sounds very enticing…..

2010-11-10T14:57:00.003+08:00

anger, parents take it out on children, teachers on students, the boss on workers and so the vicious cycle continues each tier feeling duty bound to vent all the negative energy on those they have power over. people equal crap today for the illogical way they behave, they push and push till you snap and then look at you in shock asking what happened. families are the worst at times!

2010-11-03T15:48:00.001+08:00

I have no qualms in admitting that there is no such thing as a 'minor' procedure when you are under the knife or the laser to be more precise. distinct butterflies in the stomach as the hour approacheth. I hope all goes well IA!

2010-10-24T17:02:00.000+08:00

Marriage is a strange relationship, probably the strangest humans have. It hogs conversations when you cross a certain age and doesn’t seem to rest even after the wedding. From my spectator’s point of view I wonder when its time to say ‘enough’? I see women staying married to men who have had affairs, married twice or even thrice (hail the believers who embrace religion to a T when it comes to polygamy and nothing else!) and who while not physically abusive have perfected the art of psychological abuse to an art form and I wonder, I wonder why they do it? And to what purpose? The commonest answer seems to be for their children specially is they have daughter, apparently its always the mother’s fault if she choose to separate her way and worse the daughters would end up paying for it when it comes time for them to enter the hellish state of matrimony. Makes sense, some say, but I wonder. If society is so perverted, and I have no doubt it is wont the same questions be raised for someone whose father’s polygamous? And what of the torture day in, day out of living in a house where the parents have so many unresolved issues which seethe under the surface, what good is a can of slithering worms writhing just below a calm surface, what havoc does it play with the psyche of the young and the not so young. However, on the flip side what mutations do adolescent psyches undergo when parents separate and they are brought up by single parents…… life was simple once upon a time, now it seems nothing is !

2010-10-20T14:14:00.000+08:00

People used to tell me how alien hospitals make them feel, considering the time you spend during your training in one I was always a little taken aback at that. Going to the court room today feeling like duck out of water I finally understood what they meant. Being the only female in a room with a high ceiling and a scowling juge sitting under a wooden canopy is intimidating specially when you have no idea whatsoever you are supposed to do! The setting should have been grand and austere but unfortunately like everything else was saturated with an aura of neglect reflected in the peeling pain and the shredded upholstery. You are in for a major disappointment if you expect the crisp repertoire of boston legal. Most of the lawyers cant even be heard by the judge let alone the audience. They read from papers they have infront of them in a parrot like fashion most seeming on the verge of fleeing as if the hounds of hell were on their heels! The only redeeming feature was being let alone relatively early without being asked anything by his lordship who could give masters courses in scowling. Sigh, and here I thought it would be interesting!

2010-10-14T16:37:00.002+08:00

nothing sucks more then meeting someone remotely interesting after ages only to find that you cant keep in touch with them! fate is a damned sadist!

2010-10-10T17:29:00.000+08:00

Why would anyone have a reunion where the attendees stand around stiffly segregated, men on one side, women on the other, pointedly ignoring each other till its time to leave?

2010-10-04T17:20:00.000+08:00

Axioms we regard as moms-advise-she-feels-dutybound-to-lecture one about have a way of coming true in the most unexpected ways. This lady cropped up in the office with a spoiled bratty kid who just wouldn’t stop screaming. Considering the cacophony generated by the crowd of people gathered at the window to get their documents attested and a bealegured me trying futilely to make head or tail out of the imperial orders coming down the telephone amidst distortion was the last staw. After hanging up the phone (I took great pains to ensure I didn’t slam it!) I requested said lady to leave her kid out only to be regaled with furious retorts about how officers had no regard for the ‘awam’. What stunned me was the fact that we had gone out of the way to accommodate said lady. Men, you can ask the constable to take care off but what the hell do you do with a woman who launches into a tirade witout provocation about how she is being treated badly and what not and manages to twist everything you say with minimal effort and maximal efficiency.

Considering the above it was nothing less of a shock to have the same woman return a bare hour later metamorphosed into the spirit of decorum, insinuating a ‘please and thanks’ in every breath because she wanted us to do something for her. Life does have a way of making you go in circles so pay heed when moms tells you to make your words sweet because you do end up eating them someday, often sooner rather then later.

2010-09-26T17:30:00.001+08:00

Megavideo has decided to be extra contrary and remove links to all tv shows including Grey's! How sadistic can you get I ask. Needless to say I am suffering acute withdrawal! Any saviours out there?

2010-09-20T19:22:00.002+08:00

Today attesting infinite documents (I have sprained fingers to testify!) I came across a medical certificate from the old alma mater and seems like the CCU team has stayed the same despite 8 years. the rush of nostalgia and the ultimate where-would-life-be-had-i-taken-the-road-more-travelled were somehow welcome, the bittersweet preponderantly sweet. I wonder if they will remember me if I drop in someday......

2010-09-17T01:27:00.000+08:00

Appearances- a word which rates right near the top on my to-abolish list if only I had the power. I don’t refer to the physicality of the word but rather then maintaining appearances bit socially! Why the hell must we all pretend to be a big, happy family when we are all dying to kill each other? Why must we smile and frolick as if everything is hokey doeky when its not? Why this persistent uphill struggle to fit the mould? Perfect lives, ideal kids, great marriage, the act pervades our whole lives till the mask we all wear and the reality become melded in some grotesque way impossible to tell apart!

Having said that in case it isn’t obvious I am pissed! Pissed at the way the world operates, pissed with the logic I have used to keep the demons at bay, pissed at playing peace maker, pissed at just everything but specially being me! That said I was forced to baby sit adults (mentally adult?) today and it was a shame seeing up close how our so called leadership behaves in front of goras! School boys telling tales about their rivals to a headmaster who’s patience has been stretched way past the limit is probably the closest I can come to describing it without resorting to obscenities!

I need a long walk, great music to drown in and a frap NOT that I have any of it!

2010-09-10T23:07:00.002+08:00

A very happy Eid everyone. May the time after bring hope, happiness and all that is sugar and spice to all of us!

2010-09-08T01:16:00.001+08:00

sometimes the best thing you can do in situations where you are basically helpless, is to just sit back and watch 'azar ke ayege baraat'! To pointless, time pass.....

2010-09-04T18:11:00.002+08:00

I wonder if anyone hqs tried the samsung s8500 wave? Thinkinng of buying one and clueless about the best place in Lahore to do so :( any suggestions other then hafeez centre. Full address and contact number would be most welcome and aave me the trouble of exerting my severely taxed self ;)

2010-09-01T23:09:00.003+08:00

Another blast, another day filled wih blood and gore with a frenzied mob burning places and lashing out while perverted voyeurs take devolution to a new level and click with cameras, mobiles whatever is available at the remains of humanity strewn across the street and let's not forget the sensationalistic media racing against the amateurs when it comes to highlighting the misery of the people so that the dead and grieving are deproved of any dignity even in this final departure from the world.

More "muzammat" from the government, more salt-in-the-wound of the bereft by news lines blaring the finding of the suciide bombers head AFTER countless died with more to follow. And all this DESPITE the warnings from the agencies about terrorist activites. Forewarned is so NOT forearmed for us at least. I just wish I hadn't left medicine so that I could do something to help out. Never has the world looked bleaker then it does now....

2010-08-29T03:44:00.002+08:00

When I was a child I believed in prayers, believed without doubts. I believed that if I prayed hard enough I could lose weight before the next sunrise, top a subject I hated, have rainbows and sunshine if I prayed hard enough and more. I believed till I was 22 and then skepticism and cynicism reared rebelliously , or maybe it was reality intruding. Whatever the case now i raise my hands in prayer intermittently but I lack the total conviction I had of youth or I convince myself halfway that i don't really need whatever I asked for. Self defense some would say, whatever the rationalization, I want the belief back.....and I want it answered....

2010-08-25T22:30:00.001+08:00

All of a sudden like an unexpected bolt of lightening I find myself wishing once again, wishing for what was not despite efforts. I wonder why its, that just when you think you are perfect strangers with people you were very close to once upon a time, some unknown stimulus triggers off a barrage of memories and the whole wall of nonchalance you had convinced yourself was invincible comes crumbling down like a chain of dominos. So I find myself wishing once again for what was not and like a fool I hope what might be.

The cookie needs to crumble one way or the other and soon!

2010-08-25T16:55:00.002+08:00

I hereby attribute all my woes to lack of pakoras and parathas in iftar and seher!!!!!!healthy eating is just another name for sadomasochism!bus!

2010-08-23T04:01:00.002+08:00

I am jealous, totally completely in thrall of the green eyed monster.even knowing the truth behind the till death do us part ready to kill for each other Romeo Juliet couple I am still envious!envious for the delusion no less ,how pathetic is that I ask!

The truth is I am sick of waiting, sick of hoping things will work out only to have reality rear its ugly head. I have always been passionate about not giving in and settling for things only because they are offered but with increasing frequency regrets and doubts raise their medusoid heads making me ask if this is it?have I waited too long for the elusive someone to the point that I have bypassed the good for the worst in hopes of hanging out for the best? And yet the stubborn me, the small remnant which is still alive if not exactly thriving, prevents me from giving in and settling for whoever wants me.its a mad, mad world and for once insanity fails to entertain!

2010-08-15T17:21:00.001+08:00

How do you know you want someone for who they are and not because of the comfort they offer?

2010-08-08T17:19:00.001+08:00

Death is final, something I have always talked about but was fortunate enough to never experience till now. Its beyond words how someone can lie in front of you immobile and be there and yet not be there for all practical purposes. The night vigils when you think they are just sleeping only to jolt to reality that they wont ever wake up. Funerals bring people together in a way that I would never wish on anyone. The warmth of another body is comforting in ways words can never be probably because they affirm our own lives and help us in some small measure to reach the cold void where the departed was. Talking about the deceased helps, as does reminiscing but in the end nothing takes away the emptiness which seems to be a permanent part of one when you think about never being able to see them again. Death is final but grief is not, neither is the sense of loss which I will feel at every milestone in life when you wont be there. I love you more then I could ever express in life, I will miss you more then I ever thought. The only consolation I cling to is my conviction that you are at peace and in a much better place then this world could ever offer and yet the selfish me persists in crying out like a lost babe, wishing you were here. I miss you.

2010-07-24T01:51:00.000+08:00

Humans are weird, or maybe just me. The most off beat things at time can evoke memories I have no conscious realization of. Its hard to put in words but its like meeting someone and feeling an instant connection and more eerily you feel you know them from someplace, an intangible whiff which hovers at the edge teasing and taunting yet refuses to come to the forefront no matter how hard you try. I hate times like this when I lack the words to convey what I feel ,not that that would make things any clearer

Me thinks me has a very very messed up brain, or the grey mush which passes for it nowadays!

2010-07-14T02:48:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, no matter how much you want to help, the only thing you can do is to walk away, and when it is from someone you care about, it freaking hurts!

2010-07-06T16:59:00.000+08:00

Its funny how facebook tells me that the one person who joined it on my invite is friends with everyone except me. Life, is full of unexpected twists, none of which have been pleasant lately

Having said that, time perversely continues proving all my decisions wrong! One would marvel at such consistency if one managed to forget Murphy. Needless to say, life could definitely be better….

2010-06-19T23:49:00.002+08:00

People delight in blaming others for all the wrongs in the world. This is nowhere as true as when it come to offspring’s holding parents responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong. They may be right, they maybe wrong but in the long run that hardly matters. Isn’t there a point after which you are supposed to develop enough for your own actions to determine, to a large extent how your life proceeds. And even if that is fallacious why the hell cant we stop the blame game. I mean logically like the serenity prayers says, why cant we accept what we cant change (if its out of your power just quit whining, except on blogs :P) or change what you can. What the hell is the point of the blame game which does nothing but fester like a pus filled wound spoiling what could be if not beautiful, okay moments of life?

2010-06-15T12:56:00.002+08:00

One of the perks of working in this department is that even the staff gets to go to foreign postings and best of all their immediate family specially the kids benifit. the kids are entitled to 100% subsidised education in american schools which makes a world of a difference. my superintendant for eg had better educated kids then most of his superiors with 2 studying in LUMS and NUST and one off to a scholarship in america.

keeping all that in mind I shouldnt have been surprised BUT was to hear this lady naib kasid (peon) rave for 5 minutes about how she had deferred 2 posting for europe and was being sent to beijing. Ah, the woes which haunt humans!

2010-06-13T22:04:00.002+08:00

For once I am looking forward to monday, hopefully the looked-forward target will manage to arrive on time *touch wood!*

2010-06-13T05:02:00.000+08:00

Late late night is my most and least favorite time of the night. It is the time when most people, the sane ones are asleep and the silence speaks a language all its own. At that time its like you are the only person in the universe, a time when you hang between reality and imagination, a time between worlds when logic takes a backseat and dreams long quit and buried resurge with renewed vigor. At times I think we exist in alternate realities, infinite versions of all possibilities of combinations of variables dictating life from the worst to the best and everything in between. There is one combo where everything works out with one of the many people who left, where life isn’t just mundane existence, where the unanswered why’s in all spheres don’t reverberate ad nauseum but where magic prevails and everyday is an adventure. And that world is never more real then in these late hours when reason and logic take are relegated to the corner and dreams takeover. When does the alternative become real for real?

2010-06-13T04:39:00.001+08:00

As a principale I don’t watch movies but at times boredom drives me to break the rule and like all breakers I end up paying the price. Some movies drag the comatose utopian from the depths of oblivion and make me wish for a happily ever after with the 1000th. Sigh!